Random Ish...No, WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS

It's Friday, and I really don't want to do anything tonight. I'm tired, and I just want to be lazy and eat Chick-Fil-A french fries with the Polynesian dipping sauce. I really just want to do a deep conditioning treatment with my hair and watch some movies...maybe Forrest Gump or something. The Savannah guy asked me to come over to his place, but I don't feel like driving... then he asked to come over here, and I told him I would call him back later. I think I just want to chill alone...besides, I don't want to be doing my hair while he is here...then again, it's a better way to get to know me. Law and I talked earlier today, and we're hanging out this weekend...either Saturday or Sunday.

...what else...

I'm very horny...I don't know what else to say about that.

...what else...

OK, I received a friend request from a past boyfriend, and it kinda bothered me. Since I'm bored, I guess I will tell you what happened.

...what had happened was...

This guy and I were in a relationship for a while...years. We originally met here in Atlanta (I was in college, he had already graduated from NC A&T), but he later moved to Charlotte, NC for his job. Our relationship was the usual...volatile at times, but we fell in love with each other...deeply in love (so I thought). After a while, we were so serious about each other that we had keys to each other's apartments, met each other's families (I was hanging out with some of his family members), even spent holidays with each other. During the beginning of my senior year, he proposed to me...I accepted. Even though my family wasn't happy about it AT ALL, they supported me because I loved him (what a mistake). I applied to a grad program at UNCC, hoping to get in, and was ready to move and live with him no matter what (luckily I applied to grad programs here in Atlanta as well...I would have been really fucked up if I didn't). Well, the engagement was short lived because of some major shit that happened...somethings that I can never forget because they were the hardest things to go through in my life. I've forgiven him, but I won't ever forget.

When all was said and done, I was not only heart broken, but it was hard to really enjoy half of my senior year of college because of this shit. I eventually built myself up again, but it took me a year to get over him. When I finally did, I get a call from him...why??????? All of a sudden he wanted to apologize for what he did, how things went down...yada yada yada. Mind you before this moment, my calls went unanswered...not returned at all. Come to find out, the same thing that he did to me, happened to him with the girl he cheated on me with (Karma can be great at times). I told him, he didn't owe me anything, and this conversation wasn't necessary. Since then, he has called every now and then, and I haven't answered.

Now all of a sudden, he wants to be friends...asking if we can forget about what happened and be friends. MAJOR WHAT THE FUCK (yea, I had to spell it out instead of using the acronym)!!! He now thinks we should be friends and start back talking.

...I need to express myself, but I don't want to get totally ignorant on my blog, so here it goes:

This [BLEEP] has lost his [BLEEP, BLEEP] mind. How dare this [BLEEP] have the audacity to ask me for some [BLEEP] like this?! Now that he realizes he [BLEEP]up, he thinks it's OK to come back into my [BLEEP] life. [BLEEP] please, and I hate using that word!! It's bad enough that I wasted years of my life dealing with his [BLEEP], and now he wants to bring his tired, skinny, Willy limp-dicked [BLEEP] back into my life. At the time of my life when I really needed his tired [BLEEP], this [BLEEP] was no where to be found!! Well, actually he was in Raleigh [BLEEP]ing the other [BLEEP] he left me for, making me loose sleep due to his [BLEEP]ery going all up and through my sanity. On top of that, all I could think about was the [BLEEP] I wasted on that [BLEEP]. All the gifts, the tears, the time, the sex, the effort trying to make something out of a [BLEEP] thing...uuuugggghhhhh!!!! I still have yet to receive that watch I bought him (which wasn't cheap BY FAR, and since I was a college student, I was pushing it big time), but this [BLEEP] didn't want to give it back unless I gave back the Tiffany bracelet, which I wasn't going to give back...[BLEEP], if you asked me, I earned that [BLEEP]...besides, it looks good on me. That [BLEEP] must have hit you in the head really hard that day (yea, I know about it), because your [BLEEP] mentality is [BLEEP]. [BLEEP] no we can't be friends.

OK, I feel better now...

...blame it on the Aunt Flo...

Peeling The Onion

Yesterday Law and I met up for drinks at this local bar. It was a nice bar...chill atmosphere...great music (mostly old school soul/r&b with a little bit of old school hip hop). I liked it...never been there before, but I will go back.



I arrived before he did, and I when I sat down, I sat facing the door. FYI, I never sit with my back towards the door...I can't do it. I'm not comfortable when strangers walk into a place behind my back. When he arrived, he was dressed up...again. He had just gotten off of work, looking good as usual with those big, broad shoulders and cute smile. I had just gotten off of work too, but I changed my clothes before I came. When he sat down, after saying hello, how are you, hugs, kiss on the cheek, he asked me if we could change seats. I told him I don't like sitting with my back towards the door, so why don't you sit next to me...he agreed.



Funny how an action can lead into an interesting conversation.



I asked him why doesn't he like to sit with his back towards the door. I'm not going to put his business on here, but let's just say his life wasn't all peaches and cream. Matter of fact, he had it hard...many of the things he went through is the reason why he went into law...he wanted to fight and be the voice of the people like him and his family growing up. I had to ask him to change the conversation after a while because I was actually starting to feel sorry for his upbringing.



I didn't want to drink, so I drank water all night (no reason to blame anything on the alcohol). He ordered a drink...asked me if I wanted one, but I said no. I was already tired, and drinking would have done nothing but added to this feeling. We ordered some food...nothing special, just wings (for him), and mozzarella cheese sticks (for us both).



Our conversation was mostly about getting to know one another...our past, our family, our life, and what we expect in general. What we believe in, what we don't, and why. Funny stuff, not so funny stuff.



One of the biggest convo topics was cause & effect. He explained everything has a cause and effect, that's how we shape our reality and our perception, which is true. While still on this topic, he asked me if I had a plan for marriage, kids, etc. I told him no. I have a plan for school (obtaining that Ph.D.), my career...things that I have control over...I don't have a plan for marriage because I can't control a man, and that's not up to me. Besides, I'm still young, and there are things I want to do before doing that (if I even do that). He then asked me do I feel as though I don't need a man or that a man could be beneficial to my life.



...tricky question...



This is exactly what I said, " In the sense that a man is vital to my every day need, no I don't need a man. However, I'm not a believer that we as humans were equipped to live this life alone...if so, why have us to exist among each other. If I was to ever get married, yes I would need him to be my partner and take care of me just like I would take care of him in order for us to live a happy and productive life." He then said that's good. He finds women who don't think they need a man in relationships a turn off. Then h stopped eating, wiped his hands with the napkin, turned to face me, looked me dead in my eyes and said, "If you ever get married, don't make the man feel less of a man. If he is doing what he needs to do for the sake of the family and for the marriage, make him still feel wanted and needed. No matter how educated you become or how much money you make, still treat him with respect. Don't ever make him feel as though he is emasculated in his own home." I could tell he was serious...so after saying, "OK," with this puppy dog eye look because I never saw this side of him ( a side that was turning me on because I like it when a man takes charge ), I asked him why did he say that. He said that's what broke his dad and mom up, and it pained him to see how it affected his dad. I could tell it still hurt him because of how his tone changed and how his eyes stayed fixated on mine but in a way that was serious with no BS.



We shared other serious conversation topics, and they were very interesting. I learned a lot about him, and I learned I still haven't let some things go in my life due to my emotions I felt internally while speaking about certain things. I kept it cool, so he didn't know.



All of a sudden he says, "I wanted to have this conversation because when you get to know about how a person acts when that person is fucked up...and what I mean by fucked up, I mean when life isn't going good for them, just everything is crumbling...you then get to see the true nature of a person. When things are great, it's easy to smile, but when things are horrible, it's hard to smile, keep your sanity, and keep going. That's when you're really tested." I found that to be very interesting and true. That was something that stayed on my mind, and will forever be there, especially when dating...I need to have this conversation with the Savannah dude...see where his head is when he is messed up.



In the end, I'm glad I came because I wasn't feeling like it earlier that day. Work was sooooooo boring, and all I wanted to do was go home and go to sleep. However, I didn't want to cancel on him (like I did before), and knowing him, he wouldn't have taken no for an answer (damn lawyers).



We stayed in there for two hours, then it was time to go. Since I parked in the far back, he drove me to my car. We kissed, I got out, and left.



Instead of calling him when I got home, I sent him a text...just saying I really appreciated the conversation, and the way he was looking (smiley face). He replied ditto...with one request...to wear a skirt next time because he loves my legs.



...men...

Communication: Reveal (Slow Day At Work)

Funny how just the other day I posted about hair...then this conversation came today during my lunch break.

Background (short version because I don't have all day, and neither do you): This guy and I are friends...have been friends since college. Both of us went to schools in the AUC...he lives in Florida (due to his job), but is coming back to Atlanta (for school). He wants to start "working" on a relationship with me...I don't think so (I think we're better off as friends)...he thinks otherwise. He hasn't seen me since I've been natural (2007 was my last relaxer)...I think I mentioned him before in one of my other posts...I did...I forgot which one...anyways, here is the convo:

Me: What are you doing?

Him: Trying to put some pictures on Facebook, but I wanted to give you a call. You need to get on Facebook.

Me: That's not my thing right now. I had abandoned my page, so I just took it off. My brother is now on there so maybe I need to get back on it.

Him: Yea, you do.

Me: Anyways...you better be lucky I'm on my lunch break because you're calling me about nothing.

Him: Hearing my voice is worth enough.

Me: Whatever. This weather is getting on my nerves at times...messing up the natural flow of my hair.

Him: Just go and get those edges touched up.

Me: With what?

Him: A perm...what else.

Me: I'm natural.

Him: What do you mean by natural?

Me: I don't have a relaxer.

Him: O...so your hair isn't straight?

Me: Nope. Well some strands are in the very back...for some reason it grows straight like that. I have to tuck it in when I wear it in certain styles. I want to cut it...

Him: DON'T!!

Me: Damn! Like I was saying, but my stylist said that won't do any good because it will still grow straight.

Him: No females have love for the relaxer any more?

Me: What's wrong with that.

Him: It seems like every girl is going natural...that's all you see.

Me: By your tone, I take it you don't like it.

Him: I mean...

Me: What?

Him: I didn't say anything.

Me: OK...do you like natural hair?

Him: Alright, this is just my opinion. I don't like it. I like flowing hair...you know, after a girl wraps her hair then combs it out. I like that.

Me: I figured you would say that.

Him: Why? Because I'm picky.

Me: No...I just figured that.

Him: So tell me what you think.

Me: I don't think anything...that's how you feel.

Him: Naw, you're never quiet...something is on your mind. Don't be scared, speak up.

Me: This doesn't surprise me, but it doesn't bother me. It's your preference, and I respect that.

Him: Have you ever had a problem with it from guys?

Me: To be honest, black men have given me the hardest time with it. When I made the decision to go natural and cut off my relaxed ends, the amount of black men approaching me decreased, and the other races increased.

Him: Really?!

Me: Yea. It is what it is, so they either had to accept it or not...I wasn't about to change.

Him: I just don't like it. If I was dating a girl, and she told me she wanted to go natural, I would be pissed.

Me: OK

Him: You obviously get it straightened because I saw that picture of you and your ex.

Me: Yea, but that's mostly in cooler weather. It's hot now, so I'm not straightening it until September/October, and that will be every other month...if even that.

Him: I like your hair straight.

Me: [Laughing] I'm sure you do.

Him: So what if you and I got together...you know, became a couple...and knowing I like straight hair, would you get it straightened more often for me.

Me: No. A man isn't going to change me. Like I said earlier, you either accept it or not.

Him: But that's about compromising.

Me: Not who I am though...this is me...this is my hair.

Him: So what's wrong with a perm? Why go natural?

Me: First of all, it's called a relaxer...second, I went because I wanted to.

Him: You must have gotten tired of paying for it every month.

Me: No. The money wasn't the issue. I got tired of my hair breaking off and getting a freakin' treatment for my damaged hair...it obviously wasn't working.

Him: So how do you wear it?

Me: Curly down, curly fro...I can't explain it.

Him: OK, when you say curly, do you mean...because I like big curly hair...that's sexy...like that girl in the movie Half Baked.

Me: I never did see that movie.

Him: For real?

Me: I'm for real.

Him: Well I like that kind of natural hair.

Me: Well if you're asking me if my texture is loose curl "mixed" hair, my answer is no. It's multi textured, but not looking the way you're probably speaking of.

Him: O', OK

Me: Mmmmmmhhhhmmmmmm

Him: Well I would still like to pursue this.

Me: I'm not changing who I am, so this is another reason why I don't think we're a match.

Him: Who knows...I might end up liking it. I guess I will like you even more in the winter [Laugh].

Me: Whatever...I'm about to eat.

Him: So this isn't a problem is it? I still would like to pursue you

Me: You've made this evident...I'm cool with it. I mean, everything isn't for everyone.

Him: I think you're for me.

Me: Soooooooooo wack...bye.

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